Excerpts From The Diary of Regulus Black
by picascribit
Summary: All Regulus ever wanted was for someone to be proud of him. Original handwritten diary entries in my archive at AO3. Companion to "The Redemption of Severus Snape". RABxSS, AU, 1971-1979. Warnings: dubcon, underage sex, character death, unhealthy relationship.


**1971**

**21 June 1971**  
It is Sirius's birthday today. He is 11 now. He was mad cuz he did not get a broom like he wanted to. Father says next year maybe. Sirius told me he will teach me to ride as soon as he gets it. Sirius is the bestest big brother ever. He always makes me laff laph hapy. I will miss him. He is going to Hogwarts soon. Got choclet on my diary.

**3 September 1971**  
Sirius got sorted in to griffendor! Peter did to. Mother and Father are so angery! They say it is a descrase. I do not no if they are more angery at Sirius or the head master of Hogwarts. Blacks are sposta be siltherens. Maybe sometimes the hat is rong. I hope it dusent sort me rong.

**21 December 1971**  
I got a leter from Sirius. He is not coming home for crismus. He thinks Mother and Father are still angery. I think maybe he is rite. He says griffendor is not as bad as Mother and Father say. He has frends that are reely nice and he likes it. He says he dusent like siltheren enymore.

* * *

**1973**

**1 September 1973**  
I am at Hogwarts and I am in SLYTHERIN! It was wierd. The Hat talked about putting me in Gryffindor with Sirius. But I can't even imajine how angry Mother and Father would be if both of us were there. I just said Slytherin please and it put me there. I was really thankful. I wanted to sit with Sirius on the train but he was sitting with his friends. Anyway Mother told me that it will look bad if I am seen talking to him too much. She still calls him a discrase for being a Gryffindor and liking it and having Mudblood friends.

**4 October 1973**  
Sometimes I miss Sirius. I see him almost every day but he almost never talks to me and I know I'm not supposed to talk to him. Does being in Gryffindor really make him bad? I wish I knew. Sometimes Severus Snape is mean to me and I think it is because he doesn't like Sirius. Severus is a third year too but Slytherin.

* * *

**1976**

**25 June 1976**  
Sweet Salazar Slytherin! Sirius is a fucking fairy! I went into his room today to tell him something and he was wanking over a picture of his Mudblood "friend" Remus Lupin. I bet all those Gryffindors are queers. That's probably why they all like each other so much. Anyway I went and got Mother and Father and they all had a row and Sirius took all his stuff and left!

**27 June 1976**  
Mother and Father say I am their only son now. They say I am the heir and must set a good example as a proper Pureblood man. Well they always say that but now its different. I will not let them down like he did. I will make them be proud of me. Father is taking it all really hard. I feel like they are dissappointed with me too but I don't know why.

**10 September 1976**  
Severus stole my diary and read it all. I think he wanted to use it to tease me but he was so happy when he found out Sirius is a fairy that he just gave it back and said thank you. Then he went and blabbed it all over the school. Now everyone at Hogwarts knows what Sirius is. Why should I care? He's not my brother anymore.

* * *

**1977**

**4 April 1977**  
I'm scared. Severus came into the common room today angry as anything. He saw me and came over and stood in front of me with a really nasty smile on his face. I asked him what he wanted and he said your fucking brother tried to kill me! Then he grabbed me and made me stand up then he looked around to make sure no one was there and then he KISSED me! Then he pushed me back down on the sofa and ran away up to his room. I was scared then because he was so angry and I am scared now because I think maybe I liked it. I don't want to be a fairy too.

**30 April 1977**  
It hurt and I didn't really like it. Sev says the more I do it the more I'll like it. Maybe he's right. He said he'd put mine in his mouth but I said no. It sounds too weird. I wonder what it would feel like? I want to talk to someone but I'm scared. I wish I could talk to Sirius. He knows all about fairy things. He hates Sev though. He'd probably kill him.

**26 December 1977**  
Sev came by the house today! I was so glad to see him. We didn't get to do anything because Mother and Father would have found out. But guess what? Sev has joined the Death Eaters! He showed me his tattoo and everything. He's so amazing. I think he's really brave. When I told Mother and Father they were really impressed. I bet they would be really proud if I joined too. Sev says they won't take anyone who's not sixteen yet but as soon as I am I'm going to join too.

* * *

**1978**

**15 May 1978**  
Sev will be leaving Hogwarts soon. Sometimes I am glad. He still scares me sometimes. I think he likes to hurt me even though he says he loves me. I'm going to miss him so much! But he says he'll still come to Hogsmeade weekends. Sirius will be going soon too. I don't know where he's going. One of our uncles died and left him some money last year. Mother was so angry! I guess he got a place for himself and that Mudblood boyfriend of his. I wonder if I'll ever see him again?

**15 June 1978**  
I did it. I can't believe I really did it. The initiation was sort of a let down. I was expecting something bigger. And the Dark Mark hurt like mad when the Dark Lord put it on my arm. But I did it. And afterward I spent the whole night with Sev at the Hogshead. He kept saying how proud he was of me. Mother and Father are proud too but I don't think Mother liked the Mark much. Mother said that I am the son they both always dreamed of. This is the best day of my life. The only way it could be better is if Sev and I could get our own place. But we can't. It would kill Mother.

* * *

**1979**

**6 January 1979**  
Father is dead. It was really sudden. I came downstairs the other morning and he was just sitting in his usual chair with his eyes all wide and staring. It was really spooky. I thought it might have been an Unforgiveable Curse but mother says it was probably just a heart attack or something. I think I am a bad son. I don't feel anything. Sirius came to the funeral. He left right after. I didn't talk to him. He didn't bring Remus with him. I wonder if they are still together? Sev didn't come. I need to learn a waterproofing charm.

**26 August 1979**  
I don't know what to do. I was out at the pub last night just having a laugh with some other DE's and afterwards we all Apparated to this Muggle neighbourhood and they just started KILLING people! I mean I know Muggles are worthless but some of these ones were just kids. Is it really their fault they have no magic? The other DE's were all laughing so I pretended I thought it was really funny too only I felt like I was going to throw up. I don't know. Maybe we all just had too much to drink. I went to find Sev after but he wouldn't talk about it. Just told me to get out. I wonder where Sirius is?

**1 October 1979**  
I can't do this. It's nothing like I thought it would be. I can't just kill people, forget about torture. I'm going to get out and I'm going to get Sev out with me. I think I have figured out a way but I can't write it down or even think too much about it or He will know. I'll get out and then I'll go find Sirius. He'll help me. I know it. And he'll be proud of me for managing to get out all on my own. And I think he'll understand about Sev too. I guess he had the right of it all along. I'll write more tomorrow when I'm safely away.

**2 October 1979**  
_Headmaster Dumbledore, _

_I must speak to you. I cannot go on like this any longer. Is there a place where we can meet privately? _

_Respectfully,  
Severus Snape_

* * *

**CANON POSTSCRIPTUM**

"... my idiot brother, soft enough to believe them ... that's him."

Sirius jabbed a finger at the very bottom of the tree, at the name "Regulus Black". A date of death (some fifteen years previously) followed by a date of birth.

"He was younger than me," said Sirius, "and a much better son, as I was constantly reminded."

"But he died," said Harry.

"Yeah," said Sirius. "Stupid idiot ... he joined the Death Eaters."

"You're kidding!"

"Come on, Harry, haven't you seen enough of this house to tell what kind of wizards my family were?" said Sirius testily.

"Were - were your parents Death Eaters as well?"

"No, no [...] But I bet my parents thought Regulus was a right little hero for joining up at first."

"Was he killed by an Auror?" Harry asked tentatively.

"Oh, no," said Sirius. "No, he was murdered by Voldemort. Or on Voldemort's orders, more likely; I doubt Regulus was ever important enough to be killed by Voldemort in person. From what I found out after he died, he got in so far, then panicked about what he was being asked to do and tried to back out. Well, you don't just hand in your resignation to Voldemort. It's a lifetime of service or death."

- _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_ (Ch. 6)


End file.
